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initial thoughts

May 6th, 2019

I’ve been ruminating about this post for a while now. Wondering what I wanted to share. The best way to describe my art and why I do it. I have mixed feelings about writing when I’m not feeling 100% because I don’t want to appear too negative. Sharing these thoughts leave me feeling naked and vulnerable. But when I’m asked why I paint or what drives me, nothing else comes to mind. These feelings are the basis of why I paint and what fuels me to keep going when it’s the last thing I want to do.

Keep going. That has always been at the forefront of everything.

I’m someone who doesn’t care much for mundane details. I don’t care where you’re from or where you went to school. I’m more concerned with what sets your soul aflame. What you hold onto when your mind turns against itself. For me, it’s painting. The idea that I can create my own story with a different ending than what it would have been years ago.

I am four months into trauma therapy. The result is an excess of emotions and sometimes, none at all. With it comes highs and lows. Highs where I get hints of what recovery looks like and little victories along the way. Lows in which I question if I am making any progress at all. The negative thoughts come so easily when you are vulnerable. In that state, creating seems impossible. The words never come. The paint strokes feel wrong. My head fills with concrete as I struggle to formulate any original thoughts. And during this time, all things creative come to a halt. My focus shifts to merely getting through each day. Surviving. Because thriving will come later, as I trust it always does.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling bitter. But I know that is the trauma side of me speaking. I try not to discredit myself for all the progress I’ve made. I’m actively working on quieting the negative thoughts and beliefs. Soothing myself to believe that I am in a safe place now. And despite these fleeting feelings of resentment, above all, I am grateful. That healing is within grasp. That I have an outlet to place these god-awful feelings and turn them into something beautiful. And when I see them on canvas, it puts everything in perspective.

You can always turn your experiences into something more powerful than what it’s done to you. Something that you can be proud of. Take advantage of the good times. Forgive yourself for the bad. And always keep going, regardless of what state you're in.

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